i just sent this text using only my big toe
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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