i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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