not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
