hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
