Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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