omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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