I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
