Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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