Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
