i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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