i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
