This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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