I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
