I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
