Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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