Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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