I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
