Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
