I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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