He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
