the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
