I wish I could teleport
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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