last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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