Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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