Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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