I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize