Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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