I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
