I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
