I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
