My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
