New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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