i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
dude. I can hear the air.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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