if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
