I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize