I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize