Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
