if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
