Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
