We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
