somebody snuck up and got me drunk
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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