Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
