When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
