My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
