Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
