glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
