you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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