So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
