Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
