I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
