We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
