All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
