Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
