I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize