Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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