i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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