But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
