Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
