I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
