I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
