I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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