420 ftw
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
