You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
