Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
