eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
