We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
