It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
