I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
